I don't need to stand next to the ocean to feel small, usually a roll of quarters does the trick.

Her: What are you doing?
Me: Wha? I always spit in the condom before I put it on.
Her: No dumbass, for Thanksgiving.
Me: Oh, probably going to your parents again.

Took a yoga class to be able to blow myself. I was so good at it all the girls lined up to f*ck me. Mission failed.

I don't like my food or my uncle to touch.

You'll find love when you least expect it, so have a whistle handy!

Oh you're a traveler? Blues or time?

My favorite ice cream: Fuckleberry Swirl.

Really hope I can remember that five years from now when I try to recover my password.